A Night at Igor Beaver's
by Carmelita Malbletto
Summary: This is a 6 fandom crossover of Laverne and Shirley, The Golden Girls, That Girl, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, I Love Lucy, and The Partridge Family.  6 separate worlds collide on Hollywood Boulevard.  Chaos ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Setting: The Golden Girls' house.

Dorothy walks into the kitchen.

**Dorothy: **Ma! What are you doing up at this hour?

**Sophia: **I got up to make some midnight manicotti. Please! I couldn't sleep with those yutzes across the street making all that noise.

Rose enters the kitchen.

**Rose: **Oh, hi girls! You couldn't sleep either?

**Dorothy: **No, Rose. We were sleeping so well that we decided to have a party to celebrate.

**Rose: **You know what always helps me when I can't sleep? Some nice warm milk.

**Dorothy: **I've got a better idea.

**Sophia: **I'll get the plates.

**Dorothy: **I'll get the cheesecake.

**Rose: **I'll get the chocolate syrup.

The girls sit down to eat some cheesecake.

Blanche enters the kitchen.

**Blanche: **Girls! How am I supposed to get my beauty sleep with all that racket? Do you know what I'll look like for my date with Mel tomorrow? Why, my eyes will be all red and puffy...I'll look like...like...Dorothy!

**Sophia: **Then, let Dorothy take your place. It'll give her something to do on Friday night.

**Rose: **Oh, come one, Blanche. Have some cheesecake.

As Blanche pulls a kitchen stool up to the table and takes a slice of cheesecake, the music from across the street reaches a new height.

**Dorothy: **Well, this is ridiculous! Look, girls, we're never going to get any sleep with all this noise. I'm going over there to give them a piece of my mind.

**Rose: **Do you really think you should? I mean, what if they're a gang of murderous, thieving bikers?

**Blanche: **Oooh, maybe I should go over there...

**Rose: **I'm serious! The same thing happened to Frieda Fritzenstern back in St. Olaf. She went over to her neighbor's house to complain about loud flugelhorn playing, and next thing she knew, they kidnapped her, and she was forced to spend the rest of her life playing the tuba in a band full of herring!

**Blanche: **The herring played in the band?

**Rose: **Of course! After all, who else could pluck the those tiny strings on the gerflufitars?

**Dorothy: **Don't worry, Rose. If they come after me, I'll fillet them.

**Sophia: **Bring them back here. I'll put them in the Putenesca sauce tonight.

Dorothy gets up from the table and walks toward the back door.

**Dorothy: **I'll be right back.

Dorothy walks across the street to the house from which the music is blaring so loudly. She rings the doorbell. After a few minutes, the door opens, and Dorothy looks down to see a little red-haired boy looking up at her.

**Danny: **Who are you?

**Dorothy: **Hello there. My name is Dorothy Zbornak. I live across the street...

**Danny: **(_yelling into the living room_) Mom! Some lady's at our front door!

A blonde woman comes to the door.

**Shirley: **Oh! Hello!

**Dorothy: **Hello. My name is Dorothy Zbornak. I live across the street.

**Shirley: **Hi there! I'm Shirley Partridge, and this is my son, Danny. Danny, this is Mrs...

**Danny: **We've met. Hey, Mrs. Zbornak, do you know anyone in show business?

**Dorothy: **Well, I can't say that I'm "in the know," but I did once meet Burt Reynolds.

**Danny: **Who?

**Dorothy: **Never mind. Anyways, Mrs. Partridge...

**Shirley: **Oh please, Shirley.

**Dorothy: **...Shirley, I actually came over here to ask you if you could turn the music down just a tad...

**Shirley: **I told Keith to stop practicing! (_yelling toward house_) Keith!

Keith Partridge comes to the door.

**Keith: **Yeah, mom?

**Shirley: **Keith, I told you to stop playing that guitar! You woke up Mrs. Zbornak! I think you owe her an apology.

**Keith: **I'm sorry, Mrs. Zbornak. (_winks_)

**Dorothy: **(_flustered_) Oh, that's alright, young man.

**Keith: **Say, Mrs. Zbornak, I really dig your voice. Do you sing?

**Dorothy: **Well, I did hold a steady job at the Rusty Anchor.

**Keith: **Great! You see, we're looking for backup singers. My sister Laurie has left the band to crusade for women's rights, and my two youngest siblings, Chris and Tracy, have been banned from the band by child labor laws. Would you mind auditioning?

**Dorothy: **Here?

**Shirley: **If you'd like.

**Dorothy: **(_sings a few bars of "Hard Hearted Hannah"_)

**Keith: **Groovy! You've got the job!

**Dorothy: **Oh, no, I couldn't, really.

**Shirley: **Well, if you don't want to...

**Dorothy: **Oh, alright, if you insist.

**Keith: **Far out! Come back here at four o'clock tomorrow, and we'll start working on my brand new song, "Somebody Wants to Love You."

**Dorothy: **Fine. I'll see you all then.

Dorothy walks back across the street and yells "yippee!" before entering the house.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Setting: Ann Marie's apartment.

**Donald: **Ann! Are you ready? We're going to miss our flight!

**Ann: **(_from her room_) I'm coming, I'm coming! Hold on, I'm just putting on my eyelash.

Ann comes scurrying out of her room with her hand on her eyelash, trying to stick it down. She opens the closet and pulls out an orange coat that perfectly matches her meticulously coordinated outfit.

**Ann: **Okay. NOW I'm ready.

**Donald: **Good. Come on, Ann. If we don't leave now, we're going to miss our flight. If we miss our flight, we'll have to have John fly us out to California in his private plane, and I know you don't want to do that.

**Ann: **Oh, no! Not after last time!

Ann grabs her suitcase and runs out the door. Donald rolls his eyes and follows her, shutting the door behind him on his way out.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Later that day xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ann and Donald walk out of the Los Angeles airport.

**Ann: **Oh, Donald! Isn't it beautiful?

**Donald: **It sure is, sweetheart.

**Ann: **We've got to find Ethel Merman's house!

**Donald: **Ann, I think she lives in New York.

**Ann: **Oh. Well, we'll go visit her when we get home then.

**Donald: **She'd like that. What time is your audition again?

**Ann: **Not until five o'clock. And you know something? I'm starving.

**Donald: **Well then, how about I take my favorite girl to lunch on Hollywood Boulevard?

**Ann: **Your favorite girl would like that very much.

Ann and Donald find Sharon's Cafe on Hollywood Boulevard and sit down at a sidewalk table. A waiter walks up to their table.

**Waiter: **What would you like to order, mademoiselle?

**Ann: **I'll have the Jimmy Stewart on rye.

**Donald: **And I'll have the Ava Gardner – hold the mayonnaise.

**Waiter: **Fine. I'll have those right out for you.

The waiter walks away.

**Ann: **Oh, Donald, can you believe it? Can you really believe it? We're in Hollywood!

**Donald: **It's great, honey. And I have no doubt that someday your name will be on a star on the Walk of Fame.

**Ann: **I sure hope you're right.

Mary and Rhoda sit down at the table behind them.

**Mary: **Well, this is a nice little place.

**Rhoda: **Yeah. But the food here will go straight to my thighs.

The waiter enters.

**Waiter: **May I take your order?

**Mary: **Sure. I'll have the...Wayne Newton. (_shrugs_)

**Rhoda: **I'll take the Richard Burton. But can I have the man, not the sandwich?

**Waiter: **(_unamused_) I'll bring your sandwiches right out.

The waiter walks away.

**Rhoda: **(_yelling after him_) I'd settle for his number!

**Mary: **So, how does Joe feel about you coming here with me on my business trip?

**Rhoda: **He doesn't care. To be honest, Mar, we've been having our problems lately.

**Mary: **Oh, Rhoda, I'm so sorry. I had no idea...

**Rhoda: **Hey kid, forget about it. There's other cookies in the jar.

The waiter re-enters and goes to Donald and Ann's table to give them their food. Then, he brings food to Mary and Rhoda's table.

**Waiter: **Here you go, madams. Enjoy your meals.

**Mary: **(_offended_) Madam?

The waiter begins to walk away.

**Rhoda: **(_looks at sandwich_) Hey! I didn't order this!

**Waiter: **I know, madam. But Elizabeth Taylor stole your order as it was coming out of the kitchen.

The waiter walks away.

Meanwhile, at the next table...

**Ann: **Donald, I didn't order this!

**Donald: **Where's our waiter?

**Rhoda: **(_turns around_) Did you get the wrong sandwich too?

**Ann: **Yes! What did you get?

**Rhoda: **Ehh...I'm not exactly sure. My sandwich identifying skills are a little rusty. Let's see...turkey on rye...is that a Charlton Heston?

**Ann: **I think that's my Jimmy Stewart. Did you order a roast beef on pumpernickel?

**Rhoda: **That would be my Richard Burton.

They switch plates.

**Rhoda: **(_looking at sandwich_) My, Mr. Burton, how handsome you are.

**Mary: **(_turns around to look at Ann_) You know, not to be nosy, but you didn't happen to be on the cover of _Vanity Fair _once, did you?

**Ann: **Yes! Oh my gosh! Donald, did you hear that? She remembered my cover!

**Donald: **I'm shocked! I thought your father bought out every available copy in New York!

**Rhoda: **Well, she lives in Minneapolis. He must not have gotten there. I, however, live in New York, and I've never seen you before in my life.

**Ann: **Well, no wonder I can't get a job there! Maybe I should move to Minneapolis.

**Rhoda: **Nah. The town's got nothing. What exactly do you do, kid?

**Ann: **I'm an actress.

**Rhoda: **You don't say! What have been in?

**Ann: **Well...mostly commercials. But I have worked with Ethel Merman, Dick Shawn, Barry Sullivan, and Buddy Hobart!

**Rhoda: **Who's Buddy Hobart?

**Donald: **A jerk who broke all my ashtrays.

**Ann: **It's a long story. But anyways, I'm out here to audition for a big commercial. I only have a one in one-hundred chance of getting it, but it sure would be great.

**Rhoda: **What's it for?

**Ann: **Twinkies.

**Mary: **Oh! Well, we certainly wish you the best of luck. Don't we, Rhoda?

**Rhoda: **Oh yeah, kid! Say, if you get the job, do you think you could get me some free Twinkies?

**Ann: **Anything for the girls who remembered my cover!

**Rhoda: **Too bad you weren't doing a commercial for diamonds.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Setting: Laverne and Shirley's California apartment.

Shirley has returned to California after having left her husband. She is sitting on the couch crying into her Boo-Boo Kitty.

**Shirley: **Oh, Laverne! How could Walter leave me for the Avon lady?

**Laverne: **I don't know, Shirl. But don't you think it's time you got up off that couch? You've been sitting there crying for three days.

**Shirley: **(_whining_) I can't!

**Laverne: **Come on, I think three days of mourning are enough for a marriage that only lasted three months. How about a night on the town?

**Shirley: **You go ahead. I'm just going to stay here with Boo-Boo Kitty.

**Laverne: **Oh, really? Well, uhh, that's too bad. I had gotten tickets for us to see the Beatles tonight, but if you don't wanna go...

**Shirley: **What? You got us tickets to the Beatles?

**Laverne: **Yeah. But I guess I'll just ask Rhonda if she wants to go.

**Shirley: **(_jumps up_) Are you crazy? Come on! Let's go!

Shirley runs out the door. Laverne grabs her purse.

**Laverne: **(_to herself_) She's gonna kill me...


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Setting: the Los Angeles Airport.

The Golden Girls and the Partridge Family have just arrived in LA from Miami.

**Keith: **It was swell of you to come with us, Mrs. Zbornak. Your friends are really groovy.

**Dorothy: **(_pointing to Blanche as she sashays toward them in four-inch heels_) Yes, well, watch out for that one.

**Blanche: **Why, hello there, Keith.

**Keith: **Hello, Mrs. Devereaux.

**Blanche: **Oh, don't be so formal! Call me Blanche, or Vixen, whichever you prefer.

**Dorothy: **Vixen?

**Blanche: **It's my stage name, Dorothy! Like Cher...or Prince! I use it all the time at the Rusty Anchor.

**Keith: **Do you sing too?

**Blanche: **Why, yes! Would you like to hear something?

**Keith: **That would be groovy.

**Blanche: **(_sings and dances to "I Wanna Be Loved By You" in the middle of the airport, causing many people to stare at them_)

**Sophia: **Oh my God! One glass of Chardonnay and the slut thinks she's Rita Hayworth.

**Dorothy: **Ma! Don't talk like that in front of him. (_motions to Danny_)

**Danny: **Hey! Who do you think I am, the Beave? Give me a break! I'm wise to the ways of the world.

**Sophia: **I like this kid!

Blanche finishes her song.

**Blanche: **Well, what do you think?

Keith and Shirley look at each other.

**Keith: **Uhh...to be honest, Mrs. Devereaux, you're not really what we're looking for.

**Dorothy: **(_laughs haughtily_)

**Blanche: **But I belong in show business! (_walks closer to him_) Are you sure there isn't any way that we could work this out? (_bats her eyelashes_)

**Shirley: **(_walks between Blanche and Keith_) How about with a trip to jail?

**Blanche: **(_backing off_) My, what pretty earrings...

Rose comes back from the ice cream stand.

**Rose: **Girls! Guess what!

**Dorothy: **Elvis really IS alive?

**Rose: **No! Even better! The ice cream stand has 43 flavors of ice cream! What kinds do you want?

**Dorothy: **I'll take fish taco.

**Rose: **(_confused_) I don't think they have that, Dorothy...

**Dorothy: **Oh, darn! I'll pass, then.

**Danny: **Get me a rocky road.

**Rose: **(_in a high, sweet voice_) Sure, sweetheart! Would you like sprinkles on that?

**Danny: **(_grimaces_) No way!

Rose walks back to the ice cream stand.

**Danny: **(_to Sophia_) How old does she think I am? Seven?

**Sophia: **Don't worry about the nitwit, kid. She still believes in the Great Pumpkin.

Rose returns with the ice cream.

**Rose: **(_to Danny_) Here you go!

**Danny: **Hey, thanks! By the way, next time you go to the pumpkin patch, say hello to Linus for me. (_walks away_)

**Rose: **What?

**Sophia: **The kid's got a screw loose.

**Shirley: **Okay, everyone. Our show at Igor Beaver's Bar and Grill doesn't start until seven o'clock. That means that we've got plenty of time to go out and explore Hollywood!

**Keith: **Far out!

**Shirley: **I think that we should all stay together to make sure that we all make it to the show on time. Where would everybody like to go first?

**Dorothy: **The Walk of Fame.

**Rose: **The Hollywood Wax Museum.

**Blanche: **The Rusty Riverboat.

**Sophia: **Tony Bennett's house.

**Keith: **Inspiration point.

**Danny: **Wherever the babes are.

**Shirley: **(_confused_) Lunch it is! Let's go, gang!

The group leaves for Hollywood Boulevard.


End file.
